A Series of Incoherent Fanfics
by Dogs Bower
Summary: A collection of my various amusing stories placed together for housekeeping purposes because they had little or no feedback and I didn't simply wish to delete them.
1. Megaman Drops It Like It's Hot

**Megaman Drops It Like It's Hot**

"I hate kareoke!" screamed the dreaded Dr. Wiley as he laid on the bed and attempted to inseminate himself for the third time.

Megaman and Rush and Roll and Bass and Protoman and Guts Man were trying not to laugh at the idea of an ugly as shit Wily baby.

"Oh Dr. Wily. You're so not with the times," Roll said and then giggled.

"Bitch who told you to leave the kitchen?" Megaman said and bitch slapped her.

"But I paid you for last Monday already!" Roll cried.

She then ran away back to her place to make them all dinner.

"Don't you give my ho any lip!" Pikachu bitch slapped him back.

"Sizzling Circuits!" Megaman yelled. His body fell apart thanks to shoddy manufacturing by malnourished Chinese children making his parts.

"Oh no! Now whose going to save the Digital World?" Zero almost cried.

"I can do it kids!" Spiderman shouted and he came swinging in on his web lines. He went to far and smashed into the window.

"What a dumbass!" giggled Cut Man.

"No, I'm sure it's the guidance system," Dr. Light said to everyone. "Who wants sausage and cabbage?" But everyone just laughed because they knew it wasn't really sausage he had on that dinner plate. It was his dirty old man penis.

But Pyramid Head had other plans for everyone at the dinner party that evening as he busted through the door with his his Great Knife swinging down at them all. They would make a fine kindling for his rape fire because it was rape o' clock and the noodles were way past boiling.

Naruto never knew how to cook them right.

**The End.**


	2. Flapjacks High Flying Sea Time Adventure

**Flapjacks High Flying Sea Time Adventure**

How I love the smell of the ocean! thought the pale nubile looking young boy as he prepared to meet his demise under the hand of his former slave master.

"Captain Krunkles, I thought you were a man of the Lord. Why throw away your place beside the throne for such a small bet?"

"Because I don't believe in love, Flapples. I believe in science and the pus covered boils on my feet."

And he pushed the kid overboard into the waiting jaws of the great whites.

"Good thing that was only some other kid who looked like me, huh Captain!" Flapjack giggled like an effeminate school girl being molested by her uncle the janitor in the bathroom.

"AAAAAAAH!" he kippered with platitudinous fervor.

"Shut up, you dumarse," K'Knuckled chuckled.

"That boy ain't right," Hank Hill gave up his two cents before pulling the trigger and ending his life there on the docks. His brains would make a fine meal for the gulls. That was if they got there before Ronald McDonald could scoop them up faster.

"Look at the time!" K'runckles choked. "There was so much to be desired in life and so little time to achieve it in this day and age. That's why computers are ruining people's personal levels of communication. One day we're not going to be able to talk to each other face to face anymore," he said with his heart filled of woe and maggots.

"Lemons and butter go well with the slaw if you cut it just right. I myself prefer my hot dogs plain," JackFlap consoled lightly.

But the burly blue man spewed forth a river of viscous vomit greater than the biblical floods and swept the boy out to sea.

"Be well my son. Be well!" he cried.

Jack Sparrow wept for the first time since his bottle of rum was lost to the cement during Marti Gras.

"Okay I'm bored let's go see what else is on?" Dobby urged the incestuous warblers.

McDonald was to be observed on the high sea in boat slopping up the dismembered boy's organs in his overflowing fun bucket.

"OH THAT SILLY CLOWN!" the crowd giggled before the oncoming tsunami wave sent them all back to their creator.

It was then that they knew they should never have lead such hedonistic lives. The laughing man devil clown would surely pick clean their droppings before the gulls.

"Tis a fine day for a feast!" he screamed to the clouds above.

**The End?**


	3. Orgasm in Steel

**Orgasm in Steel**

This is a story about a man.

A man who was an angel.

Who was a boy.

He was Aquarion. Which was this big fat fucking mecha suit that transformed using the power of ORGASM.

After the Great Catastrophe blew up all the world's McDonalds and left the morbidly obese populace to starve and consume each other until only a handful of people stood left there was a crack team of pilots. They piloted the Vectors. The Vectors were machines that could turn into Aquarion when they orgasmed enough.

It was AWESOME.

They killed the Shadow Angels.

"I am Solar Wing!" screamed Apollo into the sky.

"Yes, yes I love you, Apollo. Please drop your centuries old fag lover for me," Silvia screamed and moaned loudly as she rubbed her ass in her pilot seat because this is Japan and that's what they do in every show.

"HOLY SHIT I'M GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!" Pierre shrieked as a soccer ball popped out from his ass and flew across the continent until it stopped and hit Angelina Jolie who was dressed up as Lara Croft right in the face.

"I'm gay for Appolonius!" Toma said right before the Westborows came and tore off his far too effeminate little bishonen face.

And the crowd gasped in shock and looked away like nothing happened because those people are batshit and they didn't want any trouble.

And then Aquarion exploded into the stars and everyone else cheered.

**The End.**


	4. Ben 10: Adventures in high fashion

**Ben 10 adventures in high fashion**

"Laundry day y'all," croaked Grampa Max as he lugged his 450lb carcass across the dirty leather seat.

Gwen was too busy trying to wash yesterday's chili con carne ass blastings off the throw rugs.

"Oh gramps. Why can't you just wear a bib? Or a diaper," she cried and held her nose to the stinking scent of old man rot.

"I'm not a pussy like some of you. Now fetch me more lard."

He retched and sounded an ass cracker so loud the windows nearby shattered.

Ben was too bust slamming his head in the over door to really notice.

"Shit. I can't make this work," he moaned.

He rose and walked out the door then to the pavement. He raised his hands to the air. He then lowered it slammed to the omnitrax.

"I GIVE UP! TAKE ME JESUS!" he screamed.

The magical space time money making watch clicked and exploded him into thousands of wriggling pieces.

"Peace be with you my child," said Jesus.

Nobody knew he was a Highbreed. And they are the Aryans of the universe.

Somewhere Batman chuckled. He knew the truth. Harry Potter was going down for the crime. He walked slowly down the dirt road until he reached the smoldering boy chunks. He picked come of them up with tweezers and placed them into his bucket of sadness. Inside the bucket was the DNA of Jesus that he had stolen from Dumbledorf in a previously unwritten battle. He became walking back to his shadowy hide away with the bucket in hand. Whistling while he did so.

**DRAMA!**


	5. Tails saves Sonic and Knuckles

**Tails saves Sonic and Knuckles but really doesn't**

Tails was reading a book about a magic magician boy from England when Sonic came in and screamed "HELP ME TAILS KNUCKLES IS IN SEVERE DANGER!"

Tails continued reading his far too interesting book however. "Sorry Sonic. I am reading now because this book is fantastic! Perhaps later when I am no longer busy," said Tails.

Sonic pleaded."Please Tails! I cannot figure out how to save him because I have become impaired physically due to my shoe laces being untied and not being able to grasp the concept of how to tie them as they once were!"

Tails looked down from his book for only a second to say "But don't your shoes have no laces?"

Then Sonic looked down at his shoes and saw they indeed were velcro strap ups. "Oh yes. My bad!"

Sonic ran intensely speedily up to where Knuckles was falling down into a large crevice. "I can surely jump down without harming myself," said Sonic.

Sonic was ready to jump but hands pushed him before he was ready all the way causing him to fall off course and into a sharp rock.

"YOU FUCK!" came the cry of Sonic as he lost consciousness from blood lost from the wound in his temple. The last thing he saw was Rouge the Bat looking down at him with an evil smile and giggling.

"Oops!" said Rouge meanly.

Then she went back to the house and sat with Tails and read his book with him. And then they wanted to be magicians and go to the wizard school so they stole all of Sonic and Knuckles money to pay for tickets to England but when they got there they could not find the magic door because they were muggles. So they just went to the local pub and got drunk instead and forgot about it.

**The End**


	6. Ash's Epiphany

**Ash's Epiphany****  
**

Ash was walking Pikachu along the river bank one fine day with the sun out and the Pidgies chirping in the trees. It was a lovely day and warm and nice.

"Oh Pikachu. It's such a nice day out. I love walking when it's so nice like this. It makes me feel alive," said Ash relishing the sun on his pale greasy skin. "I was thinking Pikachu. About everything. About all these years I spent training you and Pokemon to fight in these battles. And for what? A shiny piece of plastic every time."

Ash sat down and Pikachu climbed his shoulder and sat too. Ash petted him on the head.

"Pikachu," said Pikachu.

"I'm sorry Pikachu," Ash said and began to sob quietly. "I've wasted so many years of my life doing this nonsense."

"Pikachu," said Pikachu and patted Ash on the back.

Ash took out all his Pokeballs and pressed the buttons and threw them.

"COME OUT EVERYBODY!" he screamed.

All the Pokemons he had ever collected and battled came out from the red lights out of the Pokeballs. They all stood before their master who was still sobbing.

"You are all free. I have decided never to battle Pokemon ever again. I hate this fucking world so much!" Ash screamed. He threw his Pokeballs into the water.

The Pokemon all made their Pokemon noises and it sounded like cheering. Then they ran off, finally fee.

Pikachu looked up at Ash.

"Pikachu?" said Pikachu with tears in its eyes.

Ash looked down at his Pikachu and smiled.

"Sorry. Not you buddy. You're worth a fuck of a lot of money," said Ash and quickly clipped the choke collar around Pikachu's neck and began dragging the struggling rodent back down the road as it cried.

**The End**


	7. Party at the Barnyard

**Party at the Barnyard**

One day on Farmer Buyer's farm which is a farm that is different from normal farms because it contains numerous talking animals that also walk on their hind legs but only in secret so the government doesn't find out, the animals were having a party.

"Hey Otis. Where do you want me to place the dip?" asked Abby the cow. Abby was a blond girl cow and she was sexy but also very crude and tomboyish. Otis did not mind and still had a large crush on her. He did not mind her abrasive southern accent.

"Right on the table over there Abby," said Otis. Otis looked like a cow but he was supposed to really be a steer who is a male but he had udders but nobody made fun of him for it. Even though it was weird. Otis pointed his hoof fingers to the table and then Abby walked over and put down the dip.

They were having their party with all vegetarian food products because it would be wrong for them to eat any of the meats all the humans enjoyed because of obvious reasons. Except Freddy the ferret because he secretly was meat eater due to being carnivorous but he had tried to be a vegetarian for many years.

"I have brought pies!" yelled Pig the pig as he waddled over with three pies and put them down on the table as well.

"Hey moron. Watch so that my cole slaw dish does not get knocked off the table. I spent three hours making it." grunted Bessy the brown cow as she walked past Otis and set down her dish. She was rude to Otis but Otis never minded it and they often pranked each other but it mostly back fired on Otis.

"Yeah yeah Bessy. Nothing will happen to your precious precious cole slaw," Otis said sarcastically.

"Otis. This is going to be a great party," said Pip the mouse who was perched on Otis's shoulder like he usually was.

"You said it Pipster," said Otis back. He looked around. He saw the other animals but one was missing. He knew who it was as he saw Peck the rooster come by with some cornbread muffins.

"Hi Otis. I brought my granny's secret recipe for delicious cornbread muffins!" said Peck as he came to the table.

"Hey Peck have you seen Freddy around? He's not with you," said Otis.

"Oh yes. Freddy said he was working on a really special dish to bring to our party and he is going to be a while. Don't worry, he'll be here shortly I'm sure," said Peck.

So everyone was okay and started to play some games and ring toss while they waited to eat. Hours later, Freddy came. He was holding a baking dish with a tin foil cover on it.

"Hi everyone! Sorry I was so late," said Freddy happily as he put the dish on the table.

"Hi Freddy! Good to see you finally came. What did you make?" asked Otis and tried to lift the cover of the dish.

Freddy whacked his hoof hand away playfully and wagged his finger.

"Na ah ah Otis! No peeking! My dish is a super special secret recipe from my great granny Fran and I want everybody to taste it first before I reveal what it is," said Freddy to everyone.

Otis laughed. "Okay Freddy! You win. The suspense has me. Let's all get to eating so we can find out what's the special about Freddy's gram's dish!"

Then everybody got ready and set up to eat. Everyone filled their plates with the foods everyone had brought to share and Freddy had his secret dish by himself and spooned it onto plates for everyone to have without seeing it. It didn't look that strange. It looked like a stew. Everyone had some. Everyone was enjoying it a lot, too.

"Boy howdy Freddy. This is the best thing I've ever eaten!" Abby said as she ate another spoonful.

"Yeah this is awesome Freddy! What is it? You got to tell us now," said Otis.

"Mmm, I'll say!" said Pig agreeing.

"Yes, what is the secret?" asked Peck.

Everyone else said yeah as well and was urging Freddy to tell.

Freddy smiled. "Well okay you guys! I'm glad this is such a big hit. Now I can tell you all. This is my grammy's special secret recipe for Carne Jambalaya!"

Everybody else looked around and looked fine with that but Pip. Pip looked confused. But he laughed nervously.

"Ha ha. That's funny Freddy. Is that some kinda funny joke name for your gram's Vegetarian Jambalaya?" he asked.

Freddy shook his head. "Nope. It's real."

Pip spit out his food. "What mang? You kidding me?"

"Whoa, what's the matter, Pip?" asked Otis seeing the shock and horror on Pip's face.

"Carne means meat!" yelled Pip as he clutched his tiny paws to his tiny head.

Otis looked shocked and horrified too just then and spit out his food and dropped his spoon. Everyone else around gasped and stopped eating the dish.

"What?" yelled Otis.

"You're kidding!" shouted Pig.

"Freddy! What the heck! You better be joking!" yelled Abby looking angrily at Freddy who was still smiling very largely.

"Nope! I'm not kidding!" exclaimed Freddy. "You all just ate meat and you liked it! Admit it! You were loving it until I told what it was!" Freddy continued to point his finger at them all in turn and then started giggling.

"Oh for the love of god!" yelled Bessy as she threw down her bowl. "What kind of meat was in there you damn fanged freak!"

Freddy could not stop laughing. "A little bit of EVERYTHING! My grammy never left anything out when it came to delicious meat. Beef, pork, lamb, horse, fish" he was counting on his fingers as he read them off in his head. He looked directly at Peck. "chicken!" Peck gulped.

"Freddy what the hell is wrong with you! That's just plain sick!" Otis yelled.

Abby grabbed her throat. "Oh Otis! Oh my god. We all just ate meat! We're all cannibals!" she wailed.

"Freddy! What the heck is wrong with you, you dumbass!" yelled Duke. He didn't stop eating the Jambalaya.

"DUKE! STOP EATING IT!" yelled Otis.

Duke looked embarrassed. "Oh yeah! Sorry. Damn, it's good though you gotta admit," he said as he licked the residue off the spoon.

"DUKE! NOT HELPING!" yelled Otis again.

"Um. Otis," said Pig looking sad. "Duke's kind of right here. It was really good."

"Pig!" yelled Abby and Bessy and Otis.

Suddenly everyone looked around at each other and also looked embarrassed.

"See? Admit it. You like the taste of meat! It's perfectly natural!" said Freddy as he jumped onto the table. "Eating meat is a natural instinct and nothing to be ashamed of! I tried for years to deny my true nature and always felt like some part of me was dying off and missing. But not anymore! I'm a meat eater god dammit! And I can show all of you the way to true happiness!" he yelled as he waved his spoon.

"Oh Freddy! Why?" mumbled Peck as he backed away looking horrified.

"You all now know the wonders of delicious meat! Even you guys who go around eating all your grass and leaves can too enjoy the fresh taste of healthy delectable proteins! Did you know that some farmers cut up other livestock and feed them to their own livestock? Well it's true! It's trueeee!" Freddy yelled as he danced around on the table.

"Well now that I'm officially a cannibal I guess I can go back to eating my food now!" muttered Abby and got her dish back.

"What? Have you all gone mad?" yelled Otis seeing half the animals were resuming their eating.

Pip looked at Otis nervously. "Well I dunno mang. This is some fucked up shit here. You deal with it." And then he hopped off of Otis's shoulder and ran away for his hole.

"WHAT?" Otis yelled feeling like he was going insane.

"Maybe we should just let this go and pretend it never happened Otis," said Duke.

"You all are retarded. See you later, morons," said Bessy as she stomped away.

"What it wasn't any of you guys! What does it matter?" said Freddy while laughing. "Enjoy it!"

"Oh hell. I don't even know anymore. I guess this will just be one of those things that happened that we never talk about," said Otis. He picked up his bowl and resumed eating like everyone else.

"I'm so glad you guys!" said Freddy happily.

"Hey, where's Peck?" asked Abby looking around.

Freddy smiled again nervously. "Oh well. I was going to finish up with dessert. My mom's chocolate stuffed chicken surprise."

He revealed a pot that had Peck tied up and gagged with an apple in his mouth surrounded by chocolate sauce.

"Oh Freddy!" everyone yelled while shaking their heads and laughing.

And Freddy turned up the oven way too high and Peck exploded into chicken nuggets.

**THE END**


	8. Turtles on a half shell

**Turtles on a half shell**

"COWABUNGA DUDE!" screamed Micholangeolo the party loving stupid turtle as he jumped into the air and then kicked a Foot soldier in the face and busted his skull open like a rotting melon.

"Mike will you stop doing that. This place has enough blood on the floors as it is!" yelled Leonerdo the leader of the turtle mutant ninja teenagers that lived in New York and liked to kick the butts of evil criminals and freaks who were far stranger than they were which is wild seeing as how they were FIVE FOOT TALL MUTANT TURTLES WHO ACTED LIKE TEENAGERS AND ATE PIZZA AND SHIT. But that's not this story.

Oh wait it is.

So then the turtles got a distress signal for their little turtle communicators which looked like little turtle shells. But they had antennas and video monitors on them. It sells well.

"Oh shit guys!" said Donatutello the science nerd turtle. "It's April. Looks like she's in trouble again!"

"She's always in trouble," muttered Ralphale who was the best and funniest wise cracking asshole turtle. "She's lucky she's got a nice pair of titties because she doesn't have a brain."

"Let's go save April!" screamed Leonardo dramatically and he pointed his swords to the doors and then started running toward it.

He didn't know the door was locked though and smashed into it with a big loud smacking sound and fell on his shell.

"HA!" chortled Microbiological as he opened the door and walked out. Well guess he really isn't that stupid. "Having trouble with opening doors bro?" he giggled and skipped off.

The turtlets didn't know that the stalking Japanese freak ninja guy who wore metal pants called Shredder was watching them like he always did from his Technodrone lair nestled deep within the buttocks of the earth's core somewhere kind of by the top so there was no lava.

"OH SHIT THE TURTLES ARE THERE AGAIN DOING SHIT! I HATE THOSE FUCKING TURTLES!" screamed Shredder at the top of his lungs because he had no indoor voice because he was a retarded psychopath.

"Oroku Saki!" yelled the fugly as hell deformed bodiless brain monster Ultrom thing called Krang as he walked over in his metal walking chair thing. "Stop yelling you idiot you are making my jiggling jellowy brain matter walls hurt from your fucking loud ass voice!" he yelled while waving his gross tentacles because he had no hands.

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU FUCKING UGLY TEETH HAVING BRAIN THING FROM DIMENSION X!" screamed Shredder back and pounded his fists on some big keys on the huge ass computer because that's what he usually did because he was too retarded to do anything else like learn some actual fucking kung fu to fight with. And then the robots came out of the door that opened.

"GO KILL THE TURTLES!" screamed Shredder.

The robots busted through the wall and went to go kill the turtles as they had been instructed.

Cowboy Bebop and Rockstready those guys who were a once street thugs but who got mutated into a rhino and a warthog stood behind Shredder and laughed.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO MAKE SURE THE ROBOTS DON'T BREAK WHEN THEY KILL THE TURTLES!" screamed Shredder at his minions and they stopped laughing and went running.

Meanwhile back in New York's city above where April was.

Aprile was being held hostage by some scary men wearing ski masks even though it was clearly summer and very hot.

"Oh god help me! I'm being held hostage because I was trying to report on this story about people who were robbing this place and then I got captured because I'm a stupid bitch and I might be raped because I look like I'm totally asking for it with this sexy sexy whore body stuffed into this banana fucking yellow leather suit."

"Yeah sounds like a plan to me," said one of the robbers and grabbed a handful of Avril's fine fine round and bulging titty.

"Ow you prick! Not my jugs. I need those to get work!" screamed Anvil as she squirmed against the man only making his penis harder.

Then the turtles smashed through the door.

"Stop there you vile fiend!" yelled Leonardo dramatically like he always did. "Unhand Advil or we'll tear off your faces and shit down your throats!"

"It's tear of your heads and shit down your throats. Jesus Leo, you suck," muttered Ralph.

"Whatever!" muttered Leonardo back and threw one of his swords into the thug's eyes and it poked through his brain and killed him.

Ralph threw one of his sais and it hit the guy holding April fools in his dick and he went down screaming like a baby girl in a sick fuck's hentai doushinshi.

"ATTACKING YOUR UGLY FACE ATTACK!" screamed Mike and hit the other guy with his shell butt which smashed the guys head into the wall like an egg breaking open. Except instead of yokes and whites this egg was a skull and the stuff inside was blood and brain tissues. So it was pretty sick looking when it splattered out all over.

"My heroes! You guys always save me!" shouted April happily. She was so happy she pissed herself and all the wet look fetishists watching came buckets including Shredder who was secretly one of them. He was also a sick closet furry though so seeing the turtles with their manly teenage hairless muscles and awesome fighting moves made his loin cloth start to tent and his tight skin hugging leggings get tighter.

"OH FUCK. THAT'S HOT!" screamed Shredder and ran off to the bathroom to jerk it for a while.

And then the robots blasted through the walls and everybody gasped.

"Robots!" yelled Donatello while pointing dramatically.

"I bet it was Shredder who sent them!" yelled Leo.

"Are you retarded? Of course it was Shredder who else is going to send killer fucking robots after us GODDAMN IT LEO!" yelled Ralf.

And then one of the robots shot a laser at Mikey's head and it went through his eye. And he slid down the wall, dead.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed Donny.

That never happened before.

"Shredder must be using live ammunition instead of blanks now. He got smarter. Which means OH NOES!" shouted Leo.

"You guys are all gonna die now and the boss is going to peel of your shells and eat you hahahaha!" shouted Rocksteady and he picked up his ak-47 and sprayed the room with a coating of fresh hot lead. He ended up just killing the other thugs in the back ground and he completely missed April somehow because his shooting sucked ass.

"Oh boy that was lucky," said April and she got her camera and started filming instead of running for safety because she's a fucking retard. "I GOTTA GET THIS HOT SCOOP FOR THE NEWS TONIGHT!"

And the turtles all just looked at each other and then said fuck it and jumped out the window.

And then Master Splinter was mad and made them all do wall jump flips for seven hours for punishment.

**THE END.**


	9. Ninjas

My friend asked me to attempt a Naruto story. Unfortunately I know nothing about Naruto except for what I've been told and seen bits of in the past. So here it is.

**Ninjas**

Ninjas are strange and mystical creatures from feudal Japan. They often dress in black pajamas and go sneaking around in the night to murder people. Or make burgers and deliver them with stealthy speed to your local place of dwelling. I even saw this one Japanese restaurant where they hire real ninjas to serve sushi and special fire crafted dinners and attack the customers with real swords. It was very funny. But this is not about any of the ninjas like this. This is about special ninjas. They have the power of chakra. They dress in bright colors and live in hidden villages. And sometimes they have demons hidden within their bodies.

Such is the tale of Naruto. He was a ninja from the village of Leaves. I think it's Konoha in Japanese but I'm not sure if I spelled that right. So you get the English dub.

He was a ninja boy about fourteen years of age only he aged up to seventeen I think during the new season. And he has blond hair with spikes kind of like Bart Simpson or something only anime and from Japan and a ninja and not made by Matt Groening but Masashi Kishitomo who is a very very very very rich manga and anime artist I assume from all the Naruto memorabilia I've seen advertised around. Naruto has inside him a nine tails fox demon called the kitsune which is a terrifying beast who almost destroyed the world or something but it was sealed away by his father who was the forth Hokago or whatever that was. Popular ninja person who were revered and carved into a mountain. He was a lonely boy but he developed friends from the cast of other characters that he grew up with like the lovely and oddly haired Sakura or Saskugay the emo? According to some people. And Kakashi the ninja teacher who looked like he was on a like of drugs.

So one day Naruto was walking in a field.

"It sure is a nice day out," said Naruto looking into the bright sky. "I like clouds."

And then these other ninjas jumped out and attacked him but Naruto was the better ninja and he killed them all.

"You can't defeat me!" said Naruto. "I'm going to be the next Ho-something. Super popular ninja master or whatever that is," he declared.

"Oh Naruto. You're so stupid I hate you and love Sakuse!" yelled Sakura the female ninja. And she ran off to go cut her hair some more.

"Oh Sakura. I love you so much! But you don't love me back," whined Naruto.

And then Sasuke appeared. This was before he got kidnapped or something. "I hate you all. I'm fucking emo because my brother is evil but secretly not and now he's more popular than me because of it," he grunted.

"I'm not sure if I died or not in the series but I probably will." said the teacher ninja Kakashi. Because the person I'm writing this for doesn't even know due to not watching it either. I chortle. Don't hurt me.

And there was this guy who looked like a shark. He was weird.

The evil association of villains called the Akasuki suddenly appeared and tried to kill all of them except the shark guy because he was one of them.

But then out of the sky came CHUCK NORRIS and he killed everyone. Including Naruto and his friends. UH OH!

"This is the end of the fucking story! Now go to hell you bitch!" yelled Chuck Norris. "Just kidding!" And then he took a dump right there in the grass even though there was a stay off the grass sign, because he's CHUCK NORRIS and he does what he wants when he wants and nobody can ever stop him. Unless it's Bizarro Chuck Norris from the 9th Dimension who is like Chuck Norris only two inches smaller and one of his eyes is orange.

**The End**


	10. In Space: Chapter 1

**In space no one can hear you weep**

Dedicated to my friend who knows how to write with more dignity than I.

On the space planet deep in outer space where an alien space ship was sitting on the barren alien landscape there was an alien. The alien was shape much a human but also quite suspiciously like a phallus. With large black eyes on either side of its head. It was shambling across the dirt and rocks as much as a phallus shaped humanoid with wiry limbs and a large bulbous head could. Then it fell down and seemed to seizure erratically. The head broke open and another smaller pink and red colored alien organism jumped out and gave a tiny squeal of joy upon its glorious birth. In the distance was a space colonist settlement with many buildings and a few tents and domes. It slithered along the unpaved road and hitched a ride on a wandering space turtle which was far more like a iguana with a shell made of porcelain than a turtle because it was a space turtle and everything from space is fucked up like that.

Two children were playing next to a sign that said Welcome to Eltingville Population Your Fat Momma. Because it was defaced. The kids saw the wandering chugging little turtleoid and got excited because it reminded them of those mutant ninja turtles that fought crime in the 80s but really not.

"Look a space turtle!" cried the one child.

"I like turdles," stated flatly the other strange zombie faced child to the camera.

"FUCK YOU I'M A DRAGON," screamed the turtle trying to look cool. It was a colossal failure as turtles are the most retarded of all god's creatures and everyone knows that. Even in space.

Fed up with all the whining and tired of moving along at one fucking half mile per three hours the alien jumped onto the face of the closest child and began assaulting its small tender mouth with hard pelvic thrusts.

30 minutes later the children walked through the doors crying about how the shit from 80s isn't cool anymore now that marketing slobs have tried to reinvent the franchises for the newest generations of fat asshole white suburban kids with no taste whatsoever. And then the child harboring the alien organism exploded into the face of the grieving mothers who had wasted their drug money saving for a good college.

**MEANWHILE 700 MILES AWAY OR SO**

"I don't understand why we have to go check on the idiots out there in the colony. They were doing just fine last time we checked the biodome," said the captain.

"Pauly Shore cannot be trusted. Didn't you see the fucking movie?" screamed the second captain who wished he was popular enough to have been the first but wasn't thanks to experimenting sexually in his frat and earning the nickname Colonel Slopbucket mc Cumdumpster.

"SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO JACK OFF IN HERE!" came the cry from the bathroom.

"Why must there be so many gratuitous sexual images in your stories." grumbled the Ellen Ripley clone one Miss Elissa Shipley the author had shamelessly made for this fic. P.S. She is an original character now so do not attempt to steal here or I shall sue. "Okay moving on," said Shipley.

"Yes, we must investigate this unusual signal we got coming from the colony. It appears to be a distress signal but we can't really be sure until we go down there," said some other guy.

"Okay," said the minor characters in the background. They are all going to die. But they don't know this. Only you do. And I. Perhaps. I am a bit drunk so I don't know where this is going.

So the space doors from their building opened up and a armored space car drove out and it traveled along until it reached the colony building where the distress signal had originated from. They opened up the doors and went in with their guns and motion detectors and fancy yet still useless equipment from the 2000s which has better special effects.

"It's so dark in here I can't see anything!" yelled Chote Manson the manly marine man who had a tatoo of Optimus Prime proudly on his left bicep.

"Take off your fucking sunglasses, you reject!" chortled Buff Splunderbaggs who was almost as manly a marine as Chote but of a egregiously smaller stature.

"Shut up both of you, I'm on the rag and you're hurting my sense of emotional freedom," cried Vadge Slitterclits, the token masculinized woman marine who thinks shes bad ass and a feminist icon yet she's just another eye candy whore for the men here and when it comes right down to it she would never have the qualities training strength or skill to match with the male marines when it came down to a fight and would be the first to be taken captive by the enemy and repeatedly sodomized until she cried and told them all the top secret info that's why they don't want bitches there except to route out the queers, wut. Oh yeah RIPLEY FOREVER. But too bad she's dead and not going to be cloned in a good way for this story.

"Okay, whatever. Just keep jiggling that fine wide dump truck," said the token black man Lutentant Blakman P. Diddy Stallion.

"I am wearing glasses," said happily the nerd character with his shaggy disgusting unkempt greasy hair and lab coat. He was there to give the sci-fi faggots something to idolize while for some reason the female audience will think he's sexually attractive. Why we may never fully understand.

"This is going to suck a lot of balls," complained Shipley angrily.

Yes it is.

**To be continued. Possibly.**


	11. In Space: Chapter 2

The air was dark. The sky cried tears of slithery granulated pearl colored droppings. Most of which were made from apple cores. The garbage disposal had blown, wouldn't you know.

Shipley and company headed further into the decrepit bowels of the currently unmanned space camp. There were doors. There were windows. There were chairs. But most terrifying of all, there were traces of human blood and fecal matter all around. It seemed the xeonmorphs had been very busy.

"I'm going to vomit!" wretched Chote as he grasped in vain desperation for a bucket or two. A waste basket set along side a desk where an unfinished Twilight novel lay perched would suffice. He buried his head within its warm and welcoming confines, like a mother's womb, and let forth the contents of his bile filled stomach spill. "BAAAAARF" yelled out Chote.

Buff only looked on with a disinterested and condescending glare. His confusion grew when Chote squelched up a half digested sack of cocaine. He stepped over and pocketed it while the man was effectively distracted, not wanting to waste a good opportunity.

"Come on you fags," ordered Shiply with the most masculine set of moobs she could muster as she unhooked her bra strap just to give the guys a little more incentive.

"Oh JESUS put that away!" cried the nerd character. But he secretly was turned on by all the little hairs and moles covering the jiggling bulbous flesh bag.

Suddenly, without warning, and completely unknown and shocking to the previous group, a xenomorph came crashing through the wall. Or through an open door, or something, possibly.

"OH SHIT GUYS, don't look now but here comes one of those big ugly suckers!" yelled Buff as he drew out his omegacanonrifleshotgun. He fired several times but being that he was chock full of anti-psychotic meds his aim was slightly askew and he did not hit anything.

Growl!" said the xenomorph as it charged at them.

"Oh why now? Why?" cried Chote whose head was still firmly encased inside his mother waste bucket, filled with the sweet sweet smell of acids and gruel and little Ritz Bitz cheese crackers, and a Milk Dud here and there. He was so very startled by the rapid intrusion and attack, he pooped a little.

"Look out, they're coming inside!" Buff screamed and fired more. This time he was fortunate enough to hit a lamp which bounced off the ceiling and knocked a bunch of concrete down onto the evil beast. It fell down and stopped moving. OR DID IT?

"We're all gonna die!" shrieked the nerd character. And then he was torn asunder by a random xeno who burst through the lower floor tiles. Aww. We all weep tears of cold sorrow like when that bitch Hudson died when they grabbed his legs through the floor tiles. Just like this one only he was actually kind of cool. Maybe.

"Fall back, group!" commanded Shiply even though nobody in their right minds was hearing any of it because nobody really liked her and we all knew she was a fucking Mary Sue who would never ever ever live up to the magnificent character Sigourney Weaver played. But what kind of name is that anyway? Holy shit.

Chote tried to get back up, his pants sloshing with wet thick noises as the material rubbed against his buttocks, the squishy stinking warm release massaging his hairy man flesh with its tender sluty kisses. He enjoyed it, being a secret scat fetishist. That's why he had to die.

And then the other xenomorhphs descended upon him and sliced off his arms and legs before eating his chest case and pulling out several of his ribs and then stuffing their eyeless faces into his chest cavity and inhaling the fantastic scent of his innards and one of them started chewing on his left lung. There was lots of deep crimson colored delicious blood for all to enjoy. And a little poop here and there of course. One time I saw this really sick anime hentai where some demon ate some girl's poop while this lesbian watched. It was really bizarre. But then again, it was Japanese so it's normal to be like that I suspect. Their entire country is exceedingly fucked up.

Shipley got bored and fired off a random shot into the air, just to break up Buff and Blakman who were engaged in a atrocious bout of gangbangery on Vadge. And she was bent over the table like the good little kitchen dwelling sandwich maker she was inevitably destined to be made into and taking it well. That was until another xenomorph who had become quite aroused from seeing Resurrection tried to jump in and make it a foursome but no one had informed him that his tail was not an acceptable tool for mating with a human, though it was phallic in nature and symbolism. So Vage died a horrible death. Unless you visit Japanese web sites. They like that kind of thing. I told you they're sick. They have videos of dogs vomiting into women's mouths and then the women eat it and rubber sex toys for men that are of young children's genitals. Google it. I dare you. Japan needs to be burned off the face of the earth.

"Babyfuck!" screamed Buff knowing the end was near. And it was.

"Blakman! Get down!" shouted out Chiply as she raised her cybernetic arm cannon-gatling gun. Nobody knew she had that. It didn't matter however, for it wasn't so much a cybernetic arm cannon-gatling gun as it was one of the plastic Kenner Aliens battle mobile movie replicas that she had duct taped to her arm. Because she was pretty much an insane retard. But nobody had known that, either.

So Blakman was the next to be held down and raped by the xenopenis. Which was not really a penis, so it's okay because it was not really rape. The tail ventured inside Blakman's rectum, through his small intestines, taking a short cut through his sternum, past some removed organs, lovingly caressing his tonsils before shooting back out his large mouth and waggling around just for show.

"GHGHGHDHJSDJAKD," whispered the burly Africanite as he suffocated on his own screams for mercy.

Buff was just standing there in the corner jerking Mr. Giggles. Shuply looked discouraged and shook her head slowly.

"Why did I hire these idiots?" she muttered.

And then the planet was nuked by the federation because it had been the plan all along. Then everyone celebrated with some Smirnoff and Red Bull and finger sandwiches.

**The End.**


	12. The Best Fanfiction Ever!

**The Best Fanfiction Ever!**

Oh my God. Naruto is so sexy, and he's touchin' Sasuke's butt and then Sakura walked in and was all like, "Hey Naruto, why you and Sasuke not training for your ninjitsus because Kakashi wants you to become strong and fight Goku from Dragon Ball Z." And then Naruto was like, "No, get out Sakura, you're makin' me nervous and I can't get it up so me and Sasuke can hot yaoi together. Get the fuck out, hoebag!"

And then Sakura said, "But no Naruto, Sasuke is a demon and he's tricking you to sex with him."

But then Naruto said, "NO SAKURA, YOU'RE THE DEMONS!"

And then Sakura was a demon.

**Author's Note: I didn't come up with this originally, a friend did but it was written far worse.**


	13. Chocobo Days

**Summary:** Cloud receives a mysterious phone call telling him to come to the infamous Chocobo farm. Hilarity follows.

**Chocobo Days**

Cloud was one day wandering around the Chocobo Ranch because he was feeling depressed and suicidal. This was after Advent Chilldren and Dirge of Cerberus. Aris was still dead. And now she was a zombie.

A mysterious rain from the skies had poured down last Tuesday and brought the dead back to life. Some wondered if it was still Shinra. Cloud knew is was Umbrella. He held his buster sword in his hands tightly as he dragged it along the muddy ground.

The phone call he had gotten five hours ago had been really strange. The voice told him to come alone to the Chocobo Farm. So he got on his bike and rode down there. It was dark. He got off his bike and looked for zombies. There were none so far. He stepped to the farm house. He saw somebody standing there waiting for him. It looked like a man. Then it looked like a woman as he got closer. He got really close and saw that it was Tifa.

"Tifa! Why are you here meeting me? That phone call I got? Was it you? It didn't really sound like you," Cloud said angrily to the Tifa looking person.

"Cloud I know who made the zombies!" the maybe-Tifa whispered darkly.

Cloud looked really hard into the figure's face.

"I already know who made the zombies! It was the Umbrella Corporations. There is a man called Wesker. He's completely insane. He wants to control the whole world and he's making zombies for weapons."

"No Cloud. Not true. That's not it!" Tifa said.

She came close to him. Then Cloud screamed.

It was not really Tifa. It just looked like Tifa. But really ugly and now even ulgier that she was in the light where he could see.

She looked slightly like a man in drag and smelled of feces and dirt. Her eyes were holes with blood dripping out of them and had maggots squirming about the sockets, too. Her arms became seven feet long. Her mouth opens up to five feet down wide like a snake and grabs Cloud and shoves him screaming all the way into his death. Clouds screams went unheard as he was sucked into the darkness. Then the Tifa-monster thing slowly went back into the barn to rest. Inside were all the numerous torn up and half eaten chocobo carcasses, and the farmers head with his mouth still frozen in a look of horror. Just like in Tremors. No, not the retarded sequels, just the first one. That one was the best.

The phone rang back at a house. It was picked up by a hand. The hand was Cid's.

"Hello?" asked Cid.

There was no response, only eerie labored breathing.

"Who is this?" he asked again, the aggression welling in his voice.

"I know who made the zombies. I have information for you. Please come meet me at the chocobo ranch. It's urgent!" the voice said.

"Is that you Cloud?" Cid asked angrily. "Cloud?" he yelled into the phone but there was no answer.

Just the dial tone again.

Cid headed out the door. He made it to the farm and looked around.

"Cloud? Where are you?"

He heard a noise. It was Cloud.

"Oh shit! Cloud I was looking all over for you. You were gone for hours. Where is Tifa? She's been gone for six days now."

"Cid..." the Cloud said as it came into the light.

Cid shit his pants.

The Cloud was a monster with Tifa's face and boobs sticking out of his chest with a mouth that was spewing blood and organs.

The Cloud's hands were long arms and claws and he raised them up and began running to Cid. Cloud had no eyes and they were filled with puss and his mouth opened up just as huge.

"I WAS PHONNNNNNNNNNNNNNE!"

The thing screamed as it killed Cid the same way.

**The ENDDDDDDD!**


	14. Mr Jackson on a plane

**Summary:** Snakes cannot plane.

**Mr. Jackson on a plane versus an obscene amount of deadly snakes**

Long ago when the world was still in its infancy and oxygen content of the atmosphere was far superior to the ratio we have in the present day, the continent of Antarctica was once a vast and lush rain forest.

Many species of snakes resided there.

"Antarctica is a fine place in which we live and we enjoy it." vocalized the snake populace as they used their magic powers to spread fertilization amongst the tree leaves which caused the greenery to grow ever larger and thick.

However the sun grew cold and distant in its love for the continent and its large snake populace and decided to pull away and travel elsewhere to far more interesting places.

The snakes cried tears of sorrow and grief as they continued waiting for the sun's return only to have their hopes shattered as the days grew ever colder and darker and snow and ice began to fill the land and kill off the plant life.

"This is not a place which we enjoy any longer. We will die if we stay. So we must leave at once." vocalized the distraught snake populace.

And so they left and after traveling many long decades they came to reside in a new lush rain forest in the Amazon. Then several men came and captured them and placed them in containers to be shipped out all across the world as pets or food or even weapons.

Several of the snakes were put inside a crate with a timer and shipped to the airport to be used to kill a man they did not know.

So they went to the airport and waited inside the crate.

"How we long to be able to pilot this amazing sky vehicle." vocalized the snakes. But that was not allowed for the snakes did not have hands or thumbs which were needed to operate such a vehicle with precision.

"You cannot fly the plane." vocalized the airport as it sat and contained the planes and the snakes. "For you are only elongate legless thin tubes full of cartilage blood vessels paper thin bone structures and small organs."

The snakes were upset but remained in their crate until the door opened and they became free.

The snakes came forth and attacked the humans who were sitting on the place waiting to travel to Hawaii. They could not tell which one was Mr. Samual L Jackson who was the man they were being sent to bite and kill.

"Where is Mr. Jackson?" vocalized the disoriented snakes.

But Samuel L Jackson was too smart and did not tell them he was really there and went to hide with the other passengers who were trying to get away.

The man who came to check the cockpit discovered that the snakes had taken control of the flight gears.

"Oh you snakes!" he said and shook his head at them.

"We simply wish to fly this plane." vocalized the snakes as they smiled.

But they didn't have hands for which to pilot the controls with and so the plane quickly spiralled out of control and began to nose dive.

Then Mr. Samuel L Jackson came back in and shot most of the snakes out of rage and because he was prejudiced toward snakes.

"Oh Mr. Jackson." said the man who was talking before while shaking his head at him.

"I wanted these motherfucking snakes out of this motherfucking cockpit." said Mr. Jackson as he put his guns away and pulled out some beer. "This is my beer. Have some. It will get you drunk."

"Mr. Jackson you have to fly the plane now." said the man in a hurry as the ground was getting closer.

"I can't fly a fuckin' plane you bitch fool!" yelled Mr. Jackson.

And so the plane crashed and exploded into pieces and everyone on board was killed except for Samuel L Jackson for seven minutes because he survived but then a shark ate him.

**The End**

Dedicated to Hans von Hozel


	15. Festering Lang Syne

**Summary:** A strange love story starring Captain Planet and Linka. You may find it humorous.

**Festering Lang Syne**

Captain Planet sipped skillfully at his drink and stood festering behind a fire. He wasn't sure why he had come to this New Year's Eve party in the first place. He was no good at parties anyhow. They always made him feel bright and he ended up like he was now, hiding and hoping nobody noticed how large his head got when he was nervous.

Well, truth be told, Captain Planet knew very well why he was at the party: to see Linka.

Ah, Linka. Just the thought of her, the chance of a glimpse of her moldy arm made Captain Planet's heart beat like a bucket of freshly butchered fish guts spread about the land.

But tonight everyone was masked. Captain Planet peered quickly through the crowd, trying to guess which guest was Linka. There, he thought, the woman over by the plant, the sparkling one with the dragon mask. It had to be Linka. No one else could look so azure, even in a dragon mask.

She began to walk Captain Planet's way and Captain Planet started to panic. What if she actually talked to Captain Planet?

Linka came right up to Captain Planet and Captain Planet thought that he was going to faint.

"Hello," Linka said slowly. "What are you doing over here all alone?"

"Oh, just looking at the water," Captain Planet said and immediately wanted to die because that sounded so crimson.

Just then, a dimwitted voice began to count down. "Ten ... nine ... eight ... seven ..."

Captain Planet's heart leapt. If they were together at midnight, that meant that Linka might ...

"Happy New Year!"

Linka swept Captain Planet into her arms, bent him on the toilet, and kissed Captain Planet down, slipping him the tongue and groping his face.

Captain Planet could hardly believe it. How wonderful! And now that it was after midnight, it was time to take their masks off. He reached out shakily and pulled Linka's mask off her face. It was Linka! "I knew it was you," Captain Planet said and took his own mask off.

"And it's ... you," Linka said. "You know, I'm just going to go get some punch."

Captain Planet watched her go. She would be right back, Captain Planet was sure. Just as soon as she had her punch.

And then they would fall in love.

**THE END**

I wrote this on Drabble Matic.


	16. Danny Phantoms versus the Phantom Menace

**Summary:** Danny Phantom tries to battle Vlad Plasmius who returned from outer space. And some Jedi show up.

**Danny Phantoms versus the Phantom Menace**

**Chapter 1: Danny becomes a zombie goast**

"I'm going ghost!" screamed Danny as he jumped into the air and was going to fight Vlad Masters as Plasmius because Vlad was back from outer space thanks to a mysterious portal that somehow appeared over Amityville.

"Not this time Daniel! You're not going to wreck my nefarious schemes again this time!"

Vlad made a super burst of red energy come out his hands and try to hit Danny as he shot at him in the air with his body. Danny got hit by the energy and then he was thrown back and skidded onto the ground and knocked down Tucker and Sam as they tried running up.

"OH SHIIIIIIIIIT," they all screamed and fell tumbling down into the street just as a truck came running down the road.

"OH MY GOD, DANNY GO TRANSPARENT! QUICK!" Sam screamed at the top of her lungs.

Danny's eyes got huge as he saw that it was too late but he could only go transparent himself. Sam and Tucker were splattered by the truck and their bodies went everywhere in a spray of blood.

"OH MY GOOOOOOOOOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Danny screamed blood murder, his hands were in the air waving.

"Wow that wasn't planned but it works nicely as a distraction," Vlad said and pulled out a gun and shot Danny in the head. "Now you can become a real ghost, boy." And then he laughed. Because that was actually funny.

"AND YOU CAN BECOME A BLOODY CORPSE NOW!" an overly dramatic voice screamed and then Vlad felt his body being shredded by gunfire from one of Jack fenton's invention things but it was like a weapon that actually kills better.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Vlad and then he got his head cut off too, by Maddie, who had a big ass laser cutter device which cut through flesh and bone with ease, just like a CutCo but far, far superior.

"YOU KILLED MY SON!"

They both stopped and dropped the weapons and then fell to the ground over Danny's body while crying. Too bad they didn't see the next truck coming down the road and it hit them.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" the truck driver yelled out the window as all this red was all over it. And several things that looked like pig entrails. But were they from a swine? Who could tell.

"DAMN POSSUMS, GET OUTTA THE ROAD!" he yelled out while shaking his fist out the window.

Then these two mysterious people in robes walked out into the middle of the road because they saw all these kids and people just die.

"Stop your vehicle!" yelled out Obi-Wan Kenobi.

"Yes, stop or we'll be forced to use use the force!" said Anakin .

"What they said!" Ahsoka Tano said jumping in.

"FUCK YEAH! MOE MONEY!" added George Lucas popping up in the corner of the screen wearing a bunch of bling gold chains and a pimp hat and gold tooth with a diamond in the middle of it. Because his fat ass could.

"Get the hell out of here, you old coot!" said Anakin and Obi at the same time.

"Um, you guys. The truck!" Ahsoka yelled waving her arms.

"OH SHI," Obi and Anakin jumped out of the way and Ahsoka got splattered instead because she forgot to fucking move.

"Oh my," Obi said disdainfully.

"Damn, who cares," Anakin said with anger. "We're just here because the title don't make sense without it."

"But this is CLONE WARS!" Obi yelled at him.

"OTHERWISE I'D BE YOUNGER AND QUI-GON WOULD BE HERE AND YOU'D BE A LITTLE KID, STUPID! AND WHERE THE SHIT IS DARTH MAUL?"

Then they heard the truck coming back at them and it hit and blew their bodies apart everywhere in chunks of blood and parts. The truck driver was looking spaced out and turns out Darth Maul was sitting next to him.

"Looks like a happy ending!" said Mr. Maul.

But then he didn't see the "Road Ends Here" sign and make the truck driver stop and it went over the cliff into the canyon.

"OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII"

And then Gordon Freeman laughed as he watched the events unfold and smoked a bud with his bro.

**THE END**


	17. The Beyblade Most Cool Battles Ever

**Summary:** Riveting action with spinning battle diskettes made of plastic and fury!

**The Beyblade Most Cool Battles Ever**

One day there was this place and it it there were these kids. They had to fight in tournaments using little plastic spinning disks. Their names were Tyson. The other kids names were - well you know what they're not important. They had to fight to win these tournaments with magical awesome spinning tops. They called them BEYBLADES.

"Hey kids whose name I forget because of being too many years!" said Tyson to that kid.

"You want to train with our magical SPINNING TOPS I mean BEYBLADES!"

The kid ran up and yelled out "HELL YEAH I DO! I HAVE NO LIFE!"

And then the two boys began to take out their BEYBLADES and play with them. But then one spun out of control and sliced Tyson in the neck and decapitated him.

"Oh shit!" said the kid whose name nobody could remember because of this being such an old dick sucking show.

"Don't worry they can play more episodes with new characters, just like Yu-Gi-Oh!" said Yami Yugi.

Oh wait he's old now. And then YuGi screamed as he was murdered by somebody with a machine gun off screen. Then Yusei ran over him with his Duel Runner for good measure.

"What he said," he said cheerfully with a retarded grin a mile and a half wide.

Then Master Chief came out and blew his brains all over the walls. Which was cool as hell because there weren't any walls around.

**END.**


	18. The Battle For The Cake

**Summary:** This is a very odd story! Starring Severus Snape and a magical confection.

**The Battle For The Cake**

Under the fattest ass ever created by our lord and savior, Severus Snape farted his cake. He had been busy with the cake for hours and now wanted nothing more than a shimmering cuddle or a porous massage from his lover Harry Potter.

He said this last thought out loud, and all of a sudden his cracking Harry Potter appeared at the door, grinning huskily.

"Put down the cake," Harry Potter said painfully. "Unless you want me to fart that cake on your ear."

Severus Snape put down the cake. He was sponge like. He had never seen Harry Potter so maddening before and it made him stinky.

Harry Potter picked up the cake, then withdrew a hat from his leg. "Don't be so sponge like," Harry Potter said with a maddening grimace. "A worm bit my torso this morning, and everything became wet. Now with this cake and this hat I can painfully rule the world!"

Severus Snape clutched his sloppy torso wildly. This was his lover, his cracking Harry Potter, now staring at him with a maddening leg.

"Fight it!" Severus Snape shouted. "The worm just wants the cake for his own cracking devices! He doesn't love you, not the shimmering way I do!"

Severus Snape could see Harry Potter trembling wildly. Severus Snape reached out his ear and touched Harry Potter's leg painfully. He was cracking, so cracking, but he knew only his sloppy love for Harry Potter would break the worm's spell.

Sure enough, Harry Potter dropped the cake with a thunk. "Oh, Severus Snape," he squealed. "I'm so shimmering, can you ever forgive me?"

But Severus Snape had already moved under the fattest ass ever created by our lord and savior. Like George Lucas in a field of Big Macs, he pressed his ear into Harry Potter's leg. And as they fell together in a wet fit of love, the cake lay on the floor, stinky and forgotten.

**THE END**

I'm sure I abused some sort of generator to do this, but I can't recall which.**  
**


	19. Tails and John versus Portals: 1

**Summary:** John Freeman is in trouble there and he must combine his powers with a small anthropomorphic fox child from another world to save all humans.

**Tails and John versus the Portals**

Tails was suddenly in a world unlike anything his small fur covered mammalian self had ever seen before in his life. It was a world of HALF-LIFE: Full Life Consequences, and the consequences were to be dire, as the world was in mortal danger of being taken over and enslaved by the evil Galaxy Police. He was not alone. His companion of the current time was a man. A man named John Freeman. He was there because Gordan Freeman was not there. Gordon Freeman was in trouble somewhere else where he was not. John Freeman, that is.

The fox child from the otherworldly dimension and universe of Mobius and John Freeman were fighting off head eating crab infested zombies who were also ghosts and were also part robots because of Dr. Eggman who had tried mutating humans and the small anthropomorphic residents from Mobius into killing machines.

"Oh my goodness, John Freeman! I don't know where Sonic is at and there is nobody else here to help us fight these terrible freakish killing machines. What are they?" screamed Tails with much terror in his prepubescent voice.

John Freeman shouted "They are head crabs! They make people into mindless rotting zombies!"

Then Tails said "Yes, and also some are now part robot! I bet that evil Dr. Eggman is behind this! He's very much evil and fat. He's a stupid fuck!" Tails was so mad he cursed in the air loudly and pushed up the fic rating to "T".

"It's okay, little fox friend," said back John Freeman as he swunged a big wrench around and used it to kill the evil head crabs as they tried jumping onto their heads. "Were gonna get out of this and then I can call my bro to help!"

"But I thought you said your bro got killed by a boss, John Freeman," Tails gasped to the human and then suddenly John Freeman looked sad.

"Yeah he did but he was brought back to life because I went back into time to save him and I saved him. GORDAN FREEMAN, PLEASE HELP US!" John Freeman screamed at the tops of his lungs because they were getting trapped into a corner.

Then the wall broke and there was Gordan Freeman coming out of it! He was part cybord and had a hand made out of a crowbar and had the portals shooter in his stomach built into it so he could shoot out portals whenever he wanted. And he shot a portal and the head crabs fell into it and they went into a dimension of Counterstrike where they could not return from so it was safe and killed all the Counterstrike people who were having fun shooting and didn't not expect things to get like that so it was safe but just not in Counterstrike world.

Now that it was safe Tails and John Freeman looked happy.

"Thanks so much Gordan Freeman!" said Tails happily and waved his arms and jumped for joy with glee.

"Thanks bro! You helped a lot this time," John Freeman said to him. But then Johns smile went away as he saw his cyborg zombie brother more clearly. He didn't look right. He was taken over with something in his back stinking out and then Tails saw it too.

"OH MY GOD NO! DR. EGGMAN, HE'S TAKEN YOUR BROTHER AND TURNED HIM AGAINST US!" Tail screamed in fear at the evil Dr. Eggman device stuck to Gordon Freeman that was now controlling his actions for evil purposes.

Gordan Freeman shot out a portal and it sucked in both of the characters. Where did they go?

I don't know. I will write it maybe one day, but not today because I don't feel like it.

**To Be Continued!**


	20. Tails and John versus Portals: 2

**Tails and John versus the Portals Part 2: The Portal of Fate**

Tails and John Freeman were sucked into a portal shot out by robo-Gordon Freeman which sent them flying into another strange dimension and time and space. They fell for hours and then they landed on a Magic Balloon which saved them from a terrible death by falling into a pit of lava full of dinosaurs. When they landed they looked around and saw a nearby Starbucks and went in because they were very thirsty. They noticed a strange man in the corner drinking a coffee and holding a briefcase in his hand. It was the GMAN! And he was sitting next to Gordon Frohman who was not Gordon Freeman but was often mistaken for him and had his mail delivered by accident. John Freeman and Tails walked over with their iced coffees.

"You are GMAN!" exclaimed John Freeman. "You know what happened to my dear brother, Gordon Freeman, don't you?" he asked madly.

"Yes I do, because I am the GMAN and I control all things with the power of my evil mind! Or maybe I don't. We'll never know," laughed the evil GMAN and made a funny face and his lips twisted out really scary like in those videos on YouTube.

"Why is Gordon Freeman a half robot! He cannot save the world from evil now and we are doomed!" yelled out Tails and then he was suddenly kidnapped by Combine Soldier Zombies who were also robots and dragged away.

"No, Tails!" screamed John Freeman as he held out his hand helplessly and watched Tails being dragged away past doors. "I must save him!" John Freeman started running to save Tails.

"Wait!" yelled the voice of Gordon Frohman. "I will come with you!" he declared and got up and went to help John Freeman over there.

"Okay!" said John Freeman. "Let's go save Tails and then save my brother!"

They ran off dramatically.

GMAN laughed evilly and then he got up and then he didn't play for his coffee because the entire Starbucks was imaginary and he was controlling it with his mind and evil powers. Then he vanished. WHAT HAPPENS? WHO CARES?

There will perhaps be a sequel.

**The End.**


	21. My Pokemon

**Summary:** Let me tell you about him.

**My Pokemon**

I had a Pokemon. It was a Bayleaf. I always thought I was a good trainer. I took good care of my Pokemon. I was pretty poor though and couldn't afford the best supplies. I still did my best. It was good I really didn't have any others. He was the only one I got from the Trainer's center when I was just eight years old. He was my best friend. I trained him hard but I also love him and he loved me back like a good friend. I went out to try and capture wild Pokemon and tame them, but I never was any good with it. I was too young and didn't know what I was doing. I lost a lot and lots of times I had to grab him and run because I figured we were both going to get beaten up. He didn't like to leave though. I think he figured he could protect me.

One day, it was raining. I remember it. I kissed mom goodbye, walked out with him and we headed to the forest again. There was a nice spot by the river there. Lots of weaker Pokemon lived by it, but I didn't really go trying to bother them because I still never could get the whole battling and capturing thing down. I think he was annoyed by me sometimes for that. But we just had fun being together. I picked up a stick and we started playing fetch. Then I threw it too hard and it landed in some bushes. He was going to get it and bring it back but then he stopped. I never saw him look the way he did, but it was sure one heck of a face. I walked over and saw the same thing. There was this weird shrine there, at the mouth of a cave. It was pretty hidden, all covered in shrubs and vines and overgrowth. Needless to say, it did look kind of creepy. But it also looked interesting, too. I started walking closer but Bayleaf just ran in front of me and gave me a look. I shrugged it off and kept walking. Boy, he was surprised. And then mad.

I went inside deeper and looked around. It was kind of normal like you'd expect a weird old musty cave to be. Nothing too special. Until of course I walked down the hill and saw this wider part. It started to get weirder then. There were these big old drawings all over the walls, of something. Something old and probably from a different culture, something I never knew about because I fell asleep in history so many times. History was boring. I only wanted to learn about Pokemon. Well I sure wished I had known about this one. So on the walls I came up on this huge picture of some Pokemon I'd never seen before. Big. Mean looking. Creepy, actually. Teeth, red eyes, horns, claws. Dangerous looking. There was Bayleaf at my heels then, trying to drag me back. He was really upset. Panicked was more like it. I just kept staring. Those eyes. They were so bizarre.

Well there was nothing else to do in here as the cave was empty thank goodness, and those eyes were starting to creep me out a lot so I turned around and took Bayleaf with me. He was more than happy to go. We walked back without even looking over the shoulder. I didn't feel like it. Something told me not to. Not that I was suspecting to see that big old creepy Pokemon painted on the cave wall in the flesh coming after me, mind you. I wasn't that scared and that Pokemon wasn't even real. It was something a group of punks made as tried to set up as a story to trick younger kids into believing. You know, one of those old hazing rituals. Try to dare them to stand in the cave for an hour all alone or something. See who could actually do it without freaking.

Oh. This story has nothing to do with anything, really. Sorry I get off topic like this but these days my mind tends to wander a lot. Anyway, my Pokemon. He was a good Pokemon. Got hit by a drunk driver one day when I was walking home from school. Never got the creep who did it. Yeah, it still ticks me off when I think about it. Could have been me, but he jumped out first to save me and everything. Guess I can't hold that against him even though I probably would have survived, being bigger and all. Then again, I'm not sure. My mom sure was happy it was me that survived anyway. She just told me she'd save up to get me a new Pokemon one day. I told her don't bother I didn't want another one. I'll never want another one.

But one of my friends did tell me this one Ghost Pokemon would be good for reaching the spirits of other deceased Pokemon. I dunno if he was just pulling my leg though. Seems like a rotten thing to do. He also told me the only way to contact this special Ghost Pokemon was to be dead yourself. Or dying. Even just for a few minutes, I guess.

Well, we'll see.


End file.
